if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
