yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
