Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
