the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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