His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
