I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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