im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
