So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
