Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
