Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
its liver damage thursday
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
