It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
