I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
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