sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Then you guys just all showered together...?
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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