after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
