Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
