i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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