Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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