wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
