The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Just invented taco cereal.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
did i just pee glitter
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
