singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
