We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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