i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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