So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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