Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I wear drunk well.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
