it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
