Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The beer is more important than you right now.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
