You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
