i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
