my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
