I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
