As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
