"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm way too hungover for life right now
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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