walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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