Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
