guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
