I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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