Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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