listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
