if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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