those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
