please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
