My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
