that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
