I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
