2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
People in love make me want to vomit
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Randomize
