I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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