I think i peed on brittanys purse
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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