if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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