I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
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