You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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