Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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