He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
